Dealing w/ Loneliness

This topic came about as I was chatting w/ my pastor, Francis Chan, after he taught in my class at his college. I’ve learned that relationships and friendships with my close friends usually develop mostly in times of conflict in either their lives or my life. This has led me to understand that when things are all dandy with everyone, the relationships become more superficial and the deep intimacy that is shared between good friends becomes scarce. In the same way, I feel that to be true so often with Jesus, but of course, being surrounded with Bible college and great loves of God, it’s always at a pretty good level of awe before the Lord.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m totally fine with being lonely in the sense of not having a wife and all that good God-designed stuff, and being in the permanent confines of Jesus’ arms, I don’t find myself having to cope with loneliness as I’ve grown out of dependency in finding value from people. Yea, it’d still be nice to have a wife but until then, I’ve learned not to let loneliness bother me more than an itch because the joys and peace that proceed out of the truth of God makes miniscule the worries of the world.

I’m not saying I don’t go through hard times in this category of feelings, and it’s always going to be hard, but too much of that is about me and my feelings; too centered on me. Sometimes it’s just nice to be going through hard times because the deepening of the relationships with fellow brothers and sisters [:

I’d rather suffer and experience intimacy with Jesus than to be content with life and be stagnant in my relationship with Him. His steadfast love endures forever! (Psalms 118)

Oh a Precious Hour with God!

“Oh! one hour with God infinitely exceeds all the pleasures and delights of this lower world.” – David Brainerd

This is one of my favorite quotes by one of the most famous missionaries of America, a dear friend of the resolved Jonathan Edwards. The dairy of David Brainerd is a very influential book in my life as I see the heart of a great man respected by even great reformers of our country in the 1700s. I ridiculously desire for that type of intimacy with my magnificent creator! This week, John Piper was talking about the coinciding of waiting on the Lord and active obedience in faith to the Lord and mentioned that there should always be preparation and petitioning of the Lord’s will every morning with the intention of seeking guidance for the whole day. I pray that I will create a new discipline of this and be able to pray much every morning and meditate on the Word before rushing into each day. Accountability anyone?

Caused to be Careful to Obey the Law

Ezekiel 36:26-27 (English Standard Version)

^“26And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.”

If you truly have the Spirit, it causes you to walk in God’s statues and be careful to obey His rules. Do a grammatical sentence outline, looking at subject, verb, object. We don’t innately follow His rules because indwelling sin is still inherent, the flesh we fight against. The Spirit makes you CAREFULLY obey His rules! Not only that, but it will be your desire to (study the Psalms, especially Psalm 19, in fact, memorize it, believe it).

The word carefully captured my attention, making me realize that I have not always been careful to obey the law written on my heart (read Romans 1), but now I definitely do, and I feel the warfare in my soul fighting flesh (read Romans 7). I’m glad God fights the battle for me, and I don’t have to, because I would be CRUSHED by my sin, because I’m totally depraved. Chew on that.

The Weight of Sin on Christ

I went through David Brainerd’s Diary as edited by Jonathan Edwards, and it reminded me of how heavy my sin is on the cross that Christ bore for my sin, how depraved I am and how filthy my life has been, even though my life is relatively good in terms of the American standard. My sin is vomit; it is the greatest filth there is, to be more abhored than being in a confined room filled with every gross insect, a pool of slimy bugs. This must have been an awesome weight on the shoulder of the Anointed One, and how can I but allow the tears of agony flow? It would be better to shove a stake in my heart than to continue in any sin, because every sin, including what we consider small sins like gluttony, is what Christ died for, and shall I take pleasure in anything that he had to painfully be separated from the Father for? Oh the awesome weight on my heart.

Now I consider that awesome weight of my sin which bloodily murdered my Saviour — I am a murderer, and I enjoyed it with the fullness of my heart, I killed Jesus Christ — and the anguish in His face and soul on that cross. I take that pain I caused Him, the one that brings me to tears, and multiply it by the countless amount of people (probably a hundred billion by official estimations) who Christ died for, and cannot comprehend the weight of sin on His shoulders, not even including the people for the rest of history He will have died for.

Oh this weight! But wait! Paul’s epistle to the Romans reminds me of how much greater His grace is than this sin! That I’ve been saved by this grace through my faith! Oh how great is the rejoice of my whole being for his infinite grace; I cannot comprehend! I repent of my own filthy righteousness and live fully on the righteousness imputed upon me earned from Christ’s life!!! REJOICE OH MY SOUL! His Joy has covered my sorrows! This fullness of Joy, this incomprehensible Peace, this Love that I would not understand as deep unless He willed for us to bring sin into the world, that we would create it much to our demise!

I would like to end with this quote from Spurgeon: “I believe the doctrine of election, because I am quite sure that if God had not chosen me I should never have chosen him; and I am sure he chose me before I was born, or else he never would have chosen me afterwards; and he must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I never could find any reason in myself why he should have looked upon me with special love.”

Biblical Church vs. American Church

The biblical church is the community, the body of believers living out and meeting everyday throughout the week together, breaking bread together, serving and DOING together. American church is going to a building once a week to listen and do nothing.

James says that those who don’t do what they hear just deceive themselves. Are you truly a follower of Christ or do you just intellectually agree with Christ? He says all or nothing, don’t even bother following if you ain’t gonna go all in (which Jesus says in the Gospel books, go study it yourself)!

Christian, if you are falling into the same sin constantly, it’s either time for you to MAKE WAR on your SIN and TAKE UP YOUR OWN CROSS or don’t follow Jesus if you ain’t gonna repent. Words of Jesus, so if u wanna criticize, take up your complaints to Jesus in the Word, not me, I’m just the messenger.

She Said No

I spent 2 months praying, fasting, asking pastors for tons of advice, planning it, asking friends for prayer and advice, and it took a ton of energy just to muster up the courage to ask her to coffee. I spent so much time practicing and planning, I spent so much time choosing the best words and what the Spirit would have me say to her. 2 long months planning the pursuit with all Joy in the Father, going through so many emotions and sharing in them with the Spirit! I missed a few opportunities that day to ask her. My friends were praying and encouraging me the whole way, trying to help me get an opportunity. When I said her name, calling to her, nervous was an understatement!!! My heart was beating so fast, good thing I didn’t sweat for some reason (not due to the extra antiperspirant). So many sermons on Biblical manhood took me to that point. Seeking God’s glory the whole way, seeking His will, not what I desired, and not my will. It’s like building the most intricate model, painting the most detailed painting. My mind and words became mush, and nothing that I pictured I would say came out right… but she got it in that mess of jumble from me. She asked for time to pray about it, and we’d finish our conversation later. The story is different for me now that I have to seek for a godly woman who can become a great pastor’s wife. Finding a good Christian wife is quite a bit easier, but there are so few who can be a good pastor’s wife. The qualities I seek and pray for in both me and her are of a stricter judgment, a very high standard. Faith ever grows the more. It’s my creator’s perfect will that she said no, and it is what glorifies Him the most, and I know I delight in HIS glory soo much more and enjoy Him way more than if I got what I desired. You know that feeling you get in your heart when someone says no? It’s weird to have it contain that physical burden, yet my emotions are all Joy and Delighting in God! I’m so in love with God! It was all worth it. No regrets in asking her. Lord, I DELIGHT in YOU so ridiculously much. I think about you day and night! I can’t go on more than a few minutes without thinking Gospel. I’m gonna keep on living out the Gospel intentionally! SO IN LOVE WITH YOU! http://juststopandthink.com/movieextras.php

Finals week, so here’s to quote a theologian… even though he’s a Holy hip hop artist…

Lecrae Feat. Cam & Dwayne Tryumf Don’t Waste Your Life
“Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That’s why it’s Christ in my rhymes
That’s why it’s Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He’s the life in my lines
I refused to waste my life
He’s too true ta chase
That ice
Heres my gifts and time cause I’m constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ
If he’s truly raised to life
Then this news should change your life
And by his grace you can put your faith in place that rules your days and nights.”

The Pain of My Heart

This trial grips my heart and it is just so torn… I’ve never grown so much in my faith, but it’s also been a long time since I’ve felt this kind of pain… it’s been a long time since I’ve cried this much… Finding Joy in these situations is impossible, but with a power that raised Christ from the dead, the power of the Holy Spirit, I’ve found joy, found the good in it that glorifies God. I find deep comfort in his word, and in much time of prayer and fasting, I’ve found a peace that transcends all understanding. This doesn’t mean I don’t have a heavy heart, or that I don’t mourn, because even Jesus mourned for Lazarus, but there is unnatural, overflowing peace in it. My soul cries out to the Lord, with prayer and supplication in thanksgiving, relying all on His strength, but also with deep, genuine praise. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 Watch This for Encouragement

To Your Glory, Oh God

Oh, my God, how do I deal with these emotions? My heart is in anguish and my eyes are always on the edge of shedding tears. Can it be me instead? Can I take her pain and suffering away? Can her lot be cast unto me? Let me have it all instead. Lord, continue to be glorified in this, let your perfect will be done. If your servant has found favor in your eyes, give me the wisdom to comprehend. Let your face shine upon her, let her faith be overfilled, and your Spirit’s fruit overflow. If it is not your will to take her cancer and give it to me, then let her mouth be ceaseless in praise to you. Let her mind be so filled with your glory and love that she would have peace that transcends all understanding, only from our Creator. Let joy spring out of her life and pour out to all those around her. Let your fullness of joy make everything else surrounding her seem trivial. Lord, by your grace, let her fall so in love with you that she would seek nothing else. Teach me, Majesty, to love her as Jesus loves her. I love her so much, i care for her so dearly; God be filled in my love for her. Let her anguish and pain encourage the world to bring glory and praise to your name. Let your grace abound all the more. I will love her forever. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Clayton’s Story (7 min video). I hope this can encourage everybody.